||[Dec. 23rd, 2005|11:14 pm]
|||||Silence is a virtue||]|
Lately I have been feeling so lonely and so helpless. Everywhere I go, Everything I do. All I see is loneliness. I don't know what I am doing. I don't know where I am going. I don't know what I want to do. I wake up everyday so lost and just in a daze. No one seems to care, I can't stand my family anymore. Its not them, its me. I don't know what is happening to myself. I hate this stage of life. Its probably one of the worst stages. I've got that constant shitty feeling where I feel as though I have to do everything right so people don't get mad at me and I just don't want that anymore. As I was out today just shopping, I was watching people. Observing the way people dress, talk and interact. As I was in big lots today buying some gift wrap I saw this man. One that was dressed in a janitors wear and had big greasey hands and a big ole' beard, like a back woods type of guy. I noticed that he couldn't afford much and he was probalby struggling to get by, whereas this other woman was walking through the store going "I've never been in such a shit hole in my life." I guess that started my whole night off as just kinda being crappy. I didn't know how to feel, I started thinking a lot and I am still lost. I know I want to go to college, but I just don't know when. I've done a semester and decided that its definately the worst thing in life, other than being lost. I know I want to get an apt. and already have been approved for one. . . Its just making sure everything else gets paid in full. I know I want to be living the high life right now, but I know thats not going to happen. I know I want my family and friends to live a long life and I pray for that to happen everyday. But what I don't know is what the next step in my life should be. I don't know if the choices I am making right now are for the good or the bad. I wish I had all the answers, but life is not just going to hand me everything, not going to hand me the answers, its myself who must live through the choices I make everyday and accept the outcomes. Maybe one day I will know. But until then, life's a bitch and thats all there is to it.